is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Four minutes until I can fart!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
