we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
