The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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