In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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