We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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