Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
