anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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