thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
