hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
