You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
