Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
