My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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