Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
