did you get engaged???
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
