I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
