I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
