I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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