why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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