when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
