Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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