2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
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I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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