How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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