Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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