Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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