She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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