Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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