What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
