Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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