I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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