Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
