my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
