My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
