So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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