I accidentally had phone sex last night
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
