cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
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all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
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The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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