I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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