so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
