how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
