Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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