Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
