I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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