dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
