I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sext me about skeletons
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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