so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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