is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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