I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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