I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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