Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize