At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
