The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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