I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
