Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
