Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
They have beer where we have blood.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
