you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
