i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
