Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
